Wednesday, March 3

Why?

If not for this blog, I might spiral into depression.
So I'm going to take this time to thank my blog,
for all crap it had to take from me for all this time.

I apologize as
I'm overwhelmed by the urge to complain about my loneliness

I'm so busy the past week
yet there's always time to miss you.
The pursuit of happiness begins with the first step.
Yet I find that I'm render helpless either by my incredibly small guts
or my magnitude of laziness.

Why can't I let go of you?
There's always a thousand other girls in the sea of fishes
But the truth is you got me hooked on you.
I truly am not sure of what to do.
I ask myself what would anyone do?
Die hard the person would chase the girl till the ends of the earth.
Would never take no for an answer,
would try his best to charm & romance her to her satisfaction
and till she falls in love with him in return.

Maybe I value her friendship as well,
putting myself in a situation whereby I can't go all-out.
So what now from here?
Slowly get close to her?
I feel there's a mental barrier to overcome
before I would ever find love & happiness.

I pray for a productive holiday.
I pray for her good health.
I pray for the strength to keep my loneliness at bay.
I pray for someone whom I'm head-over heels in love with
and that she loves me back.
I pray for the will
to either figure out some way to be together with her
or let her go.

Love is such a tormenting feeling
but its better to have loved
then to never loved at all.

Daydreaming about you always.

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Posted by Victor - Public Relations Officer at 12:22:00 AM

Saturday, February 20

Family.

World of a difference.
went for Jess's preparty celeb
was pretty fun.
heard her family problems,
felt fortunate & lucky
that my siblings are not as messed up.

right after the party,
left for Charlene's house warming party.
I felt jealous.
So many relatives, cousins, nephews.
Ang paos aside,
I felt that warmth that a family should have.
oddly, the pain in the butt of lil' couz intruding
gave me a feeling I've never felt before
*(it was a good feeling!)

it was a fun weekend
slightly regret not leaving Charlene's place earlier.
got a reality check from Darren about priorities
which I forgot in the mists of enjoying myself.
Thankful for that.

Only have 1 day left
to study for the seemingly impossible task of!
getting at least a B for bio-chem. ROAR!~

TTFN. =)

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Posted by Victor - Public Relations Officer at 11:27:00 PM

Saturday, February 6

Lost in Emotion

I don't know why its inappropriate.
It should be inappropriate.
But my head warned me its not.

All I wanted to say was.
You look very pretty today.
And extremely sexy with a skirt.
So much so I ADMIT that I couldn't resist peeping at you.

It not possible but yet.
Feels like I'm falling in love with the same person over again.
I know you only want a friend.
Its difficult to establish the neutrality of friends.
When you look so attractive.

I want to tell you how pretty you are.
Many a time till you have to staple my lips.
How a weak man I'm.
Can't control this feeling.

For 2hours I was holding this in.
'Hey, nice skirt. It looks good on you.' (neutral version)
'Hey you look very sexy with that skirt & shirt.
Really appreciate you lending this creepy weirdo guy
your lovely warm jacket.
And a helping hand whether I asked or not.
It means a lot to me. Thank you so much. (original version)

Alright, I've got part of it off my chest.
Good night.

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Posted by Victor - Public Relations Officer at 2:05:00 AM

Saturday, January 30

Somethings can't be changed.

Recently I've been having reoccurring nightmares
from my childhood & even new ones too.
Brilliant as I'm back to sleeping late.
Ironic as when I'm dreaming,
I refuse to wake (seeking comfort in dreams) from reality
Now once AGAIN, I find myself facing this same absurd situation,
refusing to sleep in fears of the horrid nightmare that awaits.

I dead-beat exhausted myself with hard skating last Thursday,
still couldn't sleep till almost 5.
Only thing that help temporary sood the situation was GLEE!
Simply wonderful.

No more. I cannot follow wad my heart says about girls anymore.
otherwise I'll end up heartbroken.
Sigh~
She is pretty and of such a irresistible spirit in character.

Seriously, what's left of my genius still shows.
Another irony is spawned.
I doubt myself when I'm correct and certain
as I'm open to the possibility that my logic is flawed.
This feeling is insulting as I feel that others
just simply incapable to figuring out what's right under their noses.
However! I know my arrogance is beyond bonds,
thus my need to humble myself undermines my brilliance.

Certain issues I deemed resolved are resurfacing.
Have to re figure out what's the solutions again

Today bum into her during duty, feels odd having her around.
there's definitely some uncleared air between us.
That's how Victor treats people he likes, with awkwardness & ignorance.
Sigh.
I can't help thinking, that.
On some weird level, that we would have been great friends.
Speaking of friends, at times I get very depressed over this.
Unsteady friends, friends who keep me from expanding,
friends holding me back, I lack friends who got my back.
Because those I have are too busy literally wining about their own problems,
wining about being alone or simply has a stagnant attitude.
Unbelievable.
When I just drop everything & leave,
then they start saying I'm selfish,
I'm a lousy listening ear.

I still have this habit of not saying no,
of always giving in,
always getting taken advantage of,
stepped on,
bummer cause as much as I can beat myself up about it.
That defines Victor,
the cushion you fall back on,
the arm you lean on when you feel lonely,
accompanies you on demand,
the guy who goes the extra mile just to be taken for granted.
What a softie!
No one cares about what I want.
Its my own fault for being to flexible with what I want.
Its so much easier to advise my friends to be assertive.

Guess I'm still living my life for others.

Enough complains.
My aim is to do everything to better suit & profit for my family.

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Posted by Victor - Public Relations Officer at 2:16:00 AM

Saturday, January 16

Feeling the weight.

These couple of days was quite intense (school wise)
I'm failing, not just grade-wise but also as becoming an adult.
I've grown to discover that I'm unable to handle responsibility well.
That is terrible to know now that I'll be going into business soon.

On a positive light, I've a breakthrough.
It turns out that I should always listen to myself & my own advice.
Skating I've finally discovered why I can never parallel properly,
now it seems like I've 'mastered' parallel.
All this time I've been actually skating with loose skates,
its no wonder everything was a struggle.
But! Determination have triumphed is a peculiar way.

I must remove all distractions, especially games & entertainment.
I so don't want to grow up,
in less than a month I forfeit my teenage hood.
I've to take on full responsibility soon, SUCKS!
Change, I guess its time.
For those who are reading this and are below 21,
do yourself a favor & enjoy your youth.
(Hahah I sound like I'm a 10000 years old.)

Time to change into the stereotype that is an adult.
Signing off.

Posted by Victor - Public Relations Officer at 12:42:00 AM

Sunday, January 3

Knowing.

Need a place to run,
need a place to hide,
need a place where no one can find me,
need a place where no one can reach me,
need a place to rest away from this world,
need a place where there's no expectations,
a place where I'm alone.

Despite always having company,
I feel alone.

I just need a break,
maybe just one whole day,
No parents, siblings, problems,
responsibilities, obligations,
no PC, TV, mp3, cellphone.
just a mirror in a room with no walls,
to figure out who is Victor Loone.
What does he want to make out of his life on earth?

For he does not want to follow any one's expectations,
doesn't want to become another clone of society,
What's wrong with wanting a simple life?
Why do I need to be ambitious?
Yes I'm always up for something new,
so does that make me a hypocrite?

Life is hard, you won't get what you want.
Going with the flow does not cut it anymore.
I've to fight everyone, beat all my competitions.
Sore above the rest!
But all this is meaningless to me.
Doesn't add real value in my life.
So what is of real value to me?

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Posted by Victor - Public Relations Officer at 3:44:00 PM

Tuesday, December 29

ARGH!

Don't understand this resentment.
Feel loath
Feel like I had a some what fun time.
Feel very upset now.
Feel like skating, sliding, burning WHEELS!
Feel like throwing that old skating pants away
Feel very tired, from senseless things done.
Yeah I need a girlfriend.
Stupid feeling, I was doing so well being busy.
That I forget her completely.
So stubborn,
letting go but still a thin threat tugging me.
I should pray for release,
Free me from affection
Free me from loath
Free me from you.

Will never understand the will of silence.
The continuity from heart-break
Suddenly feel that all this 'End of the world' stuff,
is becoming propagandic.
Gonna have to return to reality very soon.
Can't continue drifting in suspended animation.
Feeling the constant urge to shoot myself (if I had a gun)
Feel absolutely ridonculous as its not like I'm Atlas.
Having that shitty feeling in the pit of my stomach again.

Two ways:
1,Resume life to its fullest but live without a heart.
2.Lay in misery embracing the bitter side of love.

End of Emotional Depiction

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Posted by Victor - Public Relations Officer at 1:24:00 AM